Where have you been??

Well, 2009 was the last time I posted and as Kathleen Kelly in my all-time favorite movie, You’ve Got Mail, would say, it was the last time I “sent this cosmic question out into the void”. To think of what I’ve done with my time between my last post and current is a bit of a blur. Oh, it’s been productive and busy for sure: I’ve been raising a sweet little boy (who is now 6), taught hundreds of middle school students, played with friends and family, traveled, etc. I have also continued to struggle and keep on keepin’ on.

Although I did not write much at all about it when I aimlessly began this blog, I have been in a battle. July of 2004 was the beginning of a fierce fight for my joy, peace, and logic. Today in 2014 I still battle for these same things, although I’ve developed some of my weaker “muscles” to defend myself. Life is not what I expected when I was thinking ahead while in college, earning a teaching degree, and falling in love. It did not include feeling like my brain was my worst enemy. I struggle with anxiety and depression. I struggle with irrational guilt, shame in who I am, and worry. It has been controlling and all-encompassing at times to where I look back now and have no clue how I managed to function through a work day. An interesting thing to me is how it looks to others. Most people have no idea that it would be consuming me at the time. I appear to “have it all together”. Most days of late I “do life” as I assume most do with juggling home, work, etc. Thank God, most days I’m not consumed with my struggle like I’ve been in the past, but it’s typically a low-level blandness that makes me feel not quite right. I always want to be “me”, but question and have a lot of uncertainly of who that really is. I’m not often comfortable in my own skin; questioning my thoughts and feelings is a regular occurrence. Uneasy. Fearful of what I might think next (irrational guilt or shame from a month ago or ten years ago). Jealousy and sadness are unwanted companions as I wish I had another’s brain. On second thought: maybe I’d just rather wish for the Scarecrow’s situation and be without a brain!

Tonight I sing the chorus to “It is Well With My Soul” in my mind. I am reminded of a study I did by Jennifer Rothschild and she found hope in the idea that it may not be well with my circumstances, but it is well with my soul. To find that peace about struggles is intriguing. Tonight has been one of those where I felt His nearness and a clarity that most days I’m craving and for which sometimes I’m begging. It is rare for me and thankfully I’ve been observant of it tonight and grateful. I felt a part of something. Hard to describe, but I felt that I belonged to this faith I believe and I sensed its Truth. I feel like I’ve been telling God for years now that I just want to live with purpose and on purpose instead of getting through my days or struggling to be in the present, so it was nice to get a glimpse tonight. Thanks, God. I end this collection of ramblings to encourage you to find thanksgiving for something in your world right now. It may not be just what you want or dreamed it would be, but there is good and He is good. I believe; Lord, help my unbelief. Until next time…

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About emilyb123

mother, wife, daughter, sister, friend, teacher, & sinner saved by Grace
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